I think i'm relapsing and i've never been more scared in my entire life...
 Doctors and therapist talked to my mom... They recommened that I go to another Impatient facility.. I can't go. I don't want to go. I won't go.

   No one understands me. I feel so alone. I just don't know anymore. Do I want to get healthy? I just don't know. If getting healthy means to gain weight I just can't go it. People say things are going to get worse before they get better.. But i'm going downhill fast. It's hell going through this with everyone telling you to eat even begging you to when you can't.. I'm not my self anymore. The universe has went in another direction. Which road should I take.. Which road do I want to take. Theres so many questions and not many answers.

Those Feelings

 The feelings I get tare me down.. Worthless, I'm ugly, Fat, Stupid, A mistake, Fat, I don't deserve to live, Cut yourself, Die, Fat, and more.. I feel alone. I feel dead inside. It's not me. It's the demon inside. It's Anorexia. It's so powerful it's undescribable.

   I have had a voice. Not just any voice. It's the Eating disorder voice. His name was E.D. He would say things that I agreed with and believed. He was my best friend. He Understood. But no body else liked him.Once I started therapy he got mad. Very mad. He left me. Know theres a new voice. It's a girl. Her name is Anna...

Cumberland

  I have been held in a impatient facilty before. It's name was Cumberland. It was in New Kent, Virgina. This was my first time to be held in a impatient hospital. I arrived there on December 27, 2012 after a 5 hour drive from north carolina. When we got there we had an 2 hour admission. My brother an mom brought me up. Well after the admission they gave me a tour of the campus and then took me to the unit I was going to be placed on. I was going to be staying on Acute. Well because my heart rate was at a dangerous low rate. It was only beating 30 beats per minute. I had to wear a heart mointor for a week. After the tour my mom and brother had to start heading back home. We exchanged hugs and tears and then they left me at this place. I was lost I didn't know anything about this place.. I made two friends at first that had anorexia also. At first it seemed calm there. But  came dinner time all hell broke loose. I was crying I didn't want to eat and they only give you 30 mintues wich wasn't enough. Finally I calmed down and started eating.. I finshed just in time. If you don't eat or don't finish in time you get a supplement ( boost or insure ). If you didn't finsh that in a certian amount of time you get tubed ( goes through your nose). I was on acute for about two-three weeks. Acute only had 7 rooms. Finally I got switched to unit 7B. The unit had 18 girls. My first roomate was nice, but my second roomate was errr. Anger issues she had. Well I had made friends and I made enemies. I stayed there for a bout a month and a half. The staff was mean. Therpaist weren't helpful, Doctors were stupid, People were annoying, that place sucked. I didn't get much use of it. but I left mid Febuary. My parents took me out because of the bad enviroment and didn't like that place and neither did I. I would'nt recomend eating disorder people to go there. But those two months were the worst of my life.

If you have any questions or comments let me know..

Teen Health Connections

THC ( teen health connections) was the outpatient facitlty i went to once a week.. I started going there after being diagnoised the day after my birthday of last year..  Everyweek I would go in my weight went down and vitals were low. Finally got my vitals stable but weight was still dropping.. Two weeks after vitals were stable they dropped dangerously low and admitted to Childrens Levins Hospital October 17, 2012. I stayed for a whole week. They were feeding me 4000 calories a day.. and I was put as bed rest. I had an IV go in. I had to keep a heart monitor on for the first couple of days. When I took my showers i would do jumping jacks. When I went to go to the bathroom or brush my teeth I would run in place. I would do situps in my bed without making it noticable. I had a sitter 24/7.. But I've became a pro.. I hide my snacks and never got caught.. This was the beginning of a long journey.. They tried o send me an impatient facilty because I had voice.. It's name was E.D he was my best friend.. Well to me.. he would tell me to starve and tell me what to eat and not to eat.. He was an eating disorder voice.. I begged the doctors to not send me and finally they gave me one more chance..

With my struggles I just feel alone..

The Beginning

It all started in the 5th grade. I got made fun of.. I got called fat, ugly, stupid.. The usual.
 When I apparently " Wasn't " fat.. I thought so and still do. Well at first it didn't bother me i got use to it you know? But then my brother started calling me fat and stuff.. And I look up to my brother... So what he would tell me I took it in.. Then everything started getting to me. Before all this I didn't care what anyone thought of me or anything. But everything changed. I started softball because my friend did.. I loved it and still do.. But anyways, I thought I need to go on a diet and lose weight.. So I did.. At first I just did my sport and yeah I lost a pound or two but that wasn't enough.. So I made my food portions smaller. A couple more pounds come off.. But all this wasn't enough so I increased my excercise and cut out a meal (dinner).. More weight off. But then it just didn't feel like enough.. It became and obesession. Everytime I ate I would run for like 2-3 hours and do 500 crunches. But I needed to do more.. I dropped out another meal ( lunch ). I told my parents I ate school lunch when I didn't even go through the line.. Most of this started the summer going into the 7th grade. In the 7th grade I didn't eat breakfast ( I told my parents I ate at school) and I didn't eat lunch. But I had to eat dinner.. At first my parents thought it was a stage and I thought all I was doing was losing weight.. But it was much more. I excercied untill i felt like I was going to faint with only putting about 400 calories in my body into me.. ( I didn't count calories back then) Well my parents noticed the major weightloss and became concerned.. I would always complain about stomach pains so, my mom brought me to the doctor.


    They weighed me. They were very concerd as how much weight I had lost in a month (30 lbs) I was very proud.. They did my vitals and heart rate. It was very low.  Well I told the doctor about my stomach pains she asked my questions and I answered. She left then came back.. She sat there quiet and then came out with it slowly.... I believe your daughter has an eating disorder, Anorexia. I was like what is that. I didn't even know there was a such thing as an eating disoder before that. I was in denial. Well came back a later week more weight loss.. Vitals still low. She recommended me to a Out-Patient eating disorder facility..